By Melissa Sallustio
My husband and I have been trying to conceive since March 2022 and have been on our Infertility/In Vitro Fertilization (IVF) journey for 1 year.
Technically we did not know we were impacted by both female and male factor infertility until October 2022, however, the female factor came as no surprise. Rewind back to 1997, when I was only 15 years old, spending 1-2 weeks per month in a hospital for approximately 6 consecutive months with horrendous abdominal pain that no one could diagnosis and left me crawling on the floor and unable to eat at times. I was diagnosed with Endometriosis and had my first of 7 laparoscopies.
By 2001, my Endometriosis had progressed so much that it had constricted my fallopian tubes and ovaries, and I was immediately put into medically induced menopause for 6 months to preserve my fertility, which, honestly, at 19 years old did not seem to matter as I just wanted to be pain free.
My now husband, John, and I met in 2002 when I transferred to Utica College and moved into my dorm. He was the RA on duty. Little did I know at the time that he was my Prince Charming as we were literally just friends and he left for his internship a few months later and I transferred to larger university out of state.
By 2016, 2 masters degrees later, and having what I thought was my dream job, I found myself still single with just me and my 2 fur babies, Cosmo and Star, whom my life revolved around. In 2017, John whom I had not seen in 15 years, flew to Arizona where I was living at the time, as he could not get me off his mind and I appeared to be “the one that got away”. Although the timing was not right, we eventually began dating long-distance after reconnecting at a mutual friend’s wedding in New Hartford, NY almost a year later.
Given that we were both already 36 at time neither of us had ever thought we would have the opportunity to have children. Long story short, we were engaged a short 9 months later and both of us were never more eager to have children of our own.
So, before relocating from Texas to Rome, NY, I underwent yet another laparoscopy to both clear up any new endometriosis but also to determine if I would be able to conceive. Thankfully, I was given the all clear, but we were encouraged to start trying to conceive as soon as possible due to our age and my history of endometriosis.
So with that, I relocated to Rome, NY, to plan a wedding for summer 2020, with the plan of starting to try to conceive immediately following.
Well, we all know how that story went. The pandemic caused us to postpone our wedding until July 2021 and then despite being fully vaccinated, John had a symptomatic breakthrough infection of COVID-19 right before Christmas as we were getting ready to finally go on our honeymoon and start trying to start a family of our own, postponing it until March 2022.
After about 5 months of trying to conceive naturally, we were unsuccessful, and my endometriosis began to flare as I had never been off birth control for 25 years (it was used to limit and control my endometriosis). We soon went to our OB/GYN who immediately scheduled a HSG and Sonogram and referred us to CNY Fertility due to us both being 40 years old.
The good news was that my fallopian tubes were and are open and I have been cleared to successfully carry a baby, however it will be extremely difficult for me to conceive naturally due to implantation challenges related to my new diagnosis of Adenomyosis (a condition which occurs when the tissue lining of your uterus grows into your uterine wall, causing your uterus to enlarge).
Upon completing our consult with CNY Fertility in the beginning of October 2022, we understood that implantation was going to be our biggest challenge as Intracytoplasmic Sperm Injection (ICSI) would resolve the male factor infertile issues, and that we only had a 25-35% success rate. Despite this information we jumped right in to our first IVF cycle.
When we first started our IVF journey we were cautiously optimistic and never thought we would still be on the long and winding road 1 year later with no baby to show for it. Over time with each unsuccessful transfer and/or egg retrieval with less-than-to-be-desired results, it began to take a toll on us and we let it consume our lives. It was not until after our third unsuccessful transfer which resulted in a chemical pregnancy that we sought out a fertility coach. Because of the coaching and strategies we have learned still engage in today, it has made us a stronger couple overall and allows us to remember to be deliberate about making time to just be us.
The following feelings surface when I think about my infertility journey:
Acceptance
Shame
Fear
Frustration
Exhaustion,
Hope
Gratitude
Infertility has affected nearly every aspect of our life. IVF treatment is expensive, time consuming, and you must be acutely aware of everything your body comes into contact with. Thankfully, our infertility journey has not been overly isolating as we have not let it take over our lives and have publicly shared our ongoing journey with friends, family, and our community, in hopes of drawing awareness and de-stigmatizing infertility for the 1 in 6 couples that face infertility. We are extremely grateful that our friends have rallied around us and continue to support us on our journey.
IVF treatment is expensive financially and emotionally, and can be expensive spiritually and socially if you allow it to be. One of the most stressful and burdensome parts of undergoing IVF treatment is the financial cost due to the majority of insurance plans in the United States not covering IVF treatment (e.g., testing, procedures, medication, etc.). We are very grateful to have found a clinic whose focus is on making infertility treatment affordable by offering treatment packages at a fraction of the cost and in-house financing.
It has been proven that women going through infertility treatments have the same stress levels as people being treated for cancer. I think this is greatly due to infertility being stigmatizing due to the lack of awareness and open discussion ,as well as it not being recognized as a diagnosis that requires treatment, which is greatly reflected in the lack of funding/insurance coverage for treatment in the United States.
There are several countries that provide IVF treatment and the necessary medications at no cost. Infertility affects 1 in 6 couples, however it is not something you ever hear about (e.g., tv, social media, fundraisers, research, etc.) unless you actively search the information out.
This why my husband John and I have shared and continue to share our IVF journey publicly. In doing so it is amazing to see the amount of the people in our local community alone that have approached us to share their personal journey/experience or a friend or family members journey/experience with infertility.
The most helpful things for us throughout our IVF journey have been: reading (see recommended book list below), couples’ fertility coaching, breath work, acupuncture, mindfulness, journaling, gratitude exercises, positive affirmations, learning to not get caught up in the numbers, learning to trust our team, and making time for us (e.g., deliberately scheduling date nights at least one time per week, and most importantly advocating for ourselves).
Some of the most helpful things that have been said to us are:
“No matter the outcome, be sure to feel all the feels”.
“Clear is kind. Unclear is unkind.” (Brené Brown)
“Boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously.” (Prentis Hemphill)
The least helpful thing said to me after our 2 unsuccessful transfers was to just let “love” takes its course.
Recommended Books:
“It Starts with the Egg: The Science of Egg Quality for Fertility, Miscarriage, and IVF (Third Edition)”
“What He Can Expect When She’s Not Expecting: How to Support Your Wife, Save Your Marriage, and Conquer Infertility! “
“1000 Needles: How to Increase Your Odds and Take Control of Your IVF Journey”
“The IVF Dad: What I Learned On My Infertility Journey…And How It Can Help You”
“The Underwear in My Shoe: My Journey Through IVF, Unfiltered”
IVF transformed my body in many ways due to the multiple medications and hormones. The bloating, weight gain, and bruising are real, undeniable, and unavoidable, not to mention the hair loss/breakage that I experienced due to some of the medications and supplements I was taking for several months.
Some days have been more difficult than others to look myself in the mirror and see my inner beauty, especially those days where nothing fits but a pair of leggings or sweatpants. Maternity pants, maternity leggings, and sweatpants have become my new reality despite not being pregnant or able to conceive.
However, positive affirmations and my husband’s ongoing unwavering love and support are what remind me that I am loved, I am beautiful, and I am strong enough to continue this journey no matter what it takes in pursuit of having a family.
The stress of the fertility journey, especially following an unsuccessful transfer or undesirable results of an egg retrieval, led to engagement in self-blame and I have had to learn and affirm myself daily that it is not my fault this has not worked yet, continue to navigate the long and winding road, stay the course, and trust our team and process.
Although our biggest challenge is implantation due to my diagnoses of endometriosis and Adenomyosis, we do struggle with some male factor infertility due to sperm morphology and motility issues which is addressed through intracytoplasmic sperm injection (ICSI). Despite having an overall fertilization rate of 92.5% with many cycles at 100%, there was one cycle where the preliminary fertilization rate was low at which time I unfairly casted the blame on my husband, only to find out 3 days later that it was only delayed fertilization. Thankfully, we were able to lean in to one another and work through the situation with our fertility coach to develop strategies of how to navigate these difficult situations in the future without casting blame towards ourselves and one another.
Although I never perceived any judgment from family or friends, the self-judgement comes with every ultrasound, egg retrieval, fertilization, and beta test result.
I think there needs to be more space and open discussion around male factor infertility as most males do not even know if they are impacted until they undergo fertility testing due to not being able to conceive thus we do not have an understanding of the actual rate of occurrence.
If I were sitting with someone trying to conceive, I would tell them they are not alone on this journey and while the road is long and winding and seems dark at times there is light at the end of the tunnel and that they are strong and they are enough.
If I could go back to the beginning of our IVF journey I would tell my self that the journey you are about to embark on is long and enduring but never give up. Never forget you are strong, you will get pregnant, it is not your fault, you can do hard things, your partner loves you and always will, you deserve love, you are a good person, and your partner is proud of you. Be grateful and celebrate each small step forward on your journey and never forget to cherish and be deliberate about not letting this journey consume you and your relationship.
Thank you to Melissa for deliberately working to de-stigmatize infertility and to open conversations about this incredibly challenging journey.
#Infertility
#MaternalMentalHealth
#Pregnancy
#YoureDoingaGreatJobMama
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