By Amy Gaither
I had a healthy pregnancy with no complications. I gave birth at about 32-33 weeks gestational age. About a month prior to going into labor I was experiencing stress and an emotionally abusive relationship with the father. I felt scared and nervous about bring a child into that environment. I will be honest: there was a moment in that month that I did pray to God, “If I am not supposed to have this child, please have me miscarriage.”
I didn’t miscarriage so I knew my child was meant to be here.
Because I gave birth early, there were concerns that my baby’s lungs were not fully developed. I was given medication to help develop my baby’s lungs and to slow down the delivery. The delivery went smoothly with no complications. My baby did not have a raised blood sugar, which is good.
Emotionally, I was concerned that the nurses did not believe me on how strong my back contractions were. The contractions were not showing up on the monitor as strongly as I was feeling them. I had taken a couple weeks of the prenatal classes, so I was focused on me and the baby leading up to the delivery and during it.
I was told that, typically, the baby stays in NICU until it is close to the actual due date. This would be a little over a month. I understood the importance of my baby’s health and the need for the baby being in NICU, but I was not prepared for the nurses concern for me after delivery. While I was at the hospital, I wanted to spend my time in the NICU instead of in my room. This was difficult and I felt like the nurses did not understand the importance of me being there for my baby. It was a disappointment and sad to be told I could frequently not be with my baby.
remember when my baby was first born there is an area outside of NICU where she stayed for a few hours. I remember seeing my baby and thinking, “She is so small.” She was 3 lb. 11 oz when born. In an incubator next to her was a baby just about a pound smaller than her. Seeing that pound difference was incredible.
When she first got into the actual NICU area she was in her own incubator. We were not able to hold her and the only way we could touch her was through arm holes. It was very limiting to be able to build a connection with my baby.
She spent almost a month in NICU. Before entering the area, we had to surgically wash our hands and arms. We were limited to visitors only being able to go with me or the father present. Before she came home, I spent two nights at the hospital in a separate room with my baby just off the actual NICU area. This time was a blessing to spend with her and have support from the nurses.
There was one nurse who advocated for me heavily to get my baby to come home. I was so thankful for her. In the hospital there was a long hallway we had to walk to get to the parking garage.
This hallway became the hardest hallway to walk because of the many times I walked that hallway having to leave my baby behind.
There was a disconnect I felt with having my baby stay in NICU. There wasn’t the late-night bonding you get when baby first comes home. My baby’s first month was spent alone in a hospital.
The emotions would vary. I felt sadness, loss, happiness, and confusion. It is confusing time to be off on maternity leave but not have a baby at home to take care of.
Looking back on that time I went into a functioning freeze moment. I wasn’t really able to process the experience in the moment. The best thing to help was being able to be at the NICU with my baby. What didn’t help was having to be away from NICU.
There was one nurse who advocated for me heavily to get my baby to come home. I was so thankful for her. In the hospital there was a long hallway we had to walk to get to the parking garage.
This hallway became the hardest hallway to walk because of the many times I walked that hallway having to leave my baby behind.
There was a disconnect I felt with having my baby stay in NICU. There wasn’t the late-night bonding you get when baby first comes home. My baby’s first month was spent alone in a hospital.
The emotions would vary. I felt sadness, loss, happiness, and confusion. It is confusing time to be off on maternity leave but not have a baby at home to take care of.
Looking back on that time I went into a functioning freeze moment. I wasn’t really able to process the experience in the moment. The best thing to help was being able to be at the NICU with my baby. What didn’t help was having to be away from NICU.
Having a baby in NICU is not easy. There are experiences we miss out on while they are in NICU. Advice: Having a baby in NICU is difficult give yourself grace. Each premature baby in the NICU has different experience because of the WHY they have to be there.
Spend as much time as you can in NICU with your baby. Get to know at least one nurse to help you through the process to getting your baby home. If you can and are able to, definitely pump milk for your baby.
My thoughts and prayers are with you I know this is not an easy time and I know not all babies come home from NICU.
Give yourself grace, you’re doing the best you can.
I'm Not The Same 
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